I do it out of love and my choice

If you have not already, do read this article - http://www.thenewsminute.com/article/new-breed-grandparents-who-love-their-grandkids-wont-babysit-them-forever-34921. This is about grandparents taking a stand that while they will always be there for their children and grand children, they shouldn't be automatically expected to take care of the grandchildren. They have done their responsibility by raising us well. Now it should be our turn to raise our kids. What was it interesting was the slew of commentary to that article. The venomous reaction against the author was as if the author was taking away the rights of children to rely on their parents at a certain age of life.
 
Before I go any further, the opinions shared on this blog are mine and are not sponsored or reflective of any group, cult. gender or media.

Getting back, growing up, I did not have the luxury of having my grand parents next door. My mother was a home maker, and Dad, an engineer who traveled extensively for work.  Our grand parents were far away in Chennai, whom we met regularly during school holidays or key festivals and weddings. It was left to Amma and Appa to bring all of us up between home, office, and a myriad set of commitments to their respective families. I and my sister were born at our grandmother's home in Trichy - with Amma returning to Delhi within 30 days of our birth. Our brother was born in Chandigarh. I recall both side grandmothers coming for 21 days each to Chandigarh to help my parents. Post that, Amma, Appa  managed on  their own with the help of each other, family, friends and community.
 
Times have changed people say ! Your mother was a home maker - she did not have to leave the house. Today women  have to work outside their homes as well. I am in all agreement. But listen to this, our Amma 40 years back had to go buy provisions, pay utility bills, supervise a maid, clean the home, take responsibility for extended relations who stayed with us, cook meals and teach her children all with a small baby or 2 or 3 hanging around. I can certainly imagine, how difficult it is today to accomplish all of this what with flexi work hours, understanding spouses willing to share the work load, crèches, day care, maids, provisions on call, apps and understanding parents/in laws. Incase you did not catch the sarcasm, the world has changed but the eco-system also has evolved significantly.

I know it not easy. The 24 by 7 work day has it's own failings and challenges. But the point is that, parents or parents in law helping their children out of love and out of choice is a great thing. The love and security of grand parents and an extended family is a blessing indeed. But what I don't agree with, is children "demanding that support as a birthright or not respecting that help".
 
Of late, I have seen people treating this lifeline for reasons I cannot fathom.

1. Parents move cities to stay with their children for 6 months, 6 years and maybe eternity to look after the grandkids. Instead of being grateful, the children turn the mothers into cooks, the fathers to help with taking care of the baby, pram pusher, baby walker etc. Weekends are meant for the husband and wife given they have had such a busy week, and consequently, the grand kids are left with the grand parents. There is no concern for the elders and what they may want to do over the weekend.
2. Parents are slaving away every second because their ticket was paid for by the children - god forbid they take it easy.
3. Statements like - If they (the parents) don't help me, what are they there for? or they love me, this is the least they can do?
4. The worst was asking the parents to separate to live in different homes, cities often continents  to take care of the grandkids. I know of an Uncle who feels alone, he would like to travel and enjoy his wife's company in his twilight years but that company has been taken away from him.  His wife is far away. In the joy of looking after the children's children, the spousal relationship was forgotten. The kids in this case were totally indifferent to the emotional needs of their parents.

Note, I may have re-counted only the worst scenarios, and there may be several good stories out there. My husband has spent many a blissful years with his nana, nani. My niece has spent several months with her both side grandparents. All I ask is that do not take that support for granted. Their role was to bring you up, take care of you and help you stand on your 2 feet.

This is the time for them to enjoy their 'vana-prastha'. Let them be.

Crazy busy !

The latest article from NY Times seems closer to me than anything else, given my current state of mind. For me the people who don't know me, I am on a sabbatical by choice. I am trying to refresh, de-stress or as my mother in law says "She is trying to find herself". My conversation in the past (read before the sabbatical) often went like this

 

"Hey, how is it going?"

 "Oh, it has been crazy busy"

"It is better than the alternative right !'.

 

These days the conversations go like this :

(Friend) "So Geetha, how are you keeping yourself busy and engaged?".

(Me) "Well there is so much happening at home...."

(Friend) Cutting in the middle of my sentence "Oh, Wish I could do it, relax, read, travel! You are so lucky, so lucky, dear, while you have been drinking mai-tais - we have been busy solving hunger & world peace". This exclamation is often accompanied with an indulgent smile. Who do you think I am - a baby trying to take her first step? Just so you know FRIEND, I am not spa'ing away (although that is not a bad idea and I should think about it). I have been at home overseeing the refurbishment of my home, and banging my head with contractors and labor all day in the pristine Delhi heat.

 

Guess what, we are all to blame for this phenomenon, me included. I am a part of the generation that has venerated 'being super busy' to a level of idol workshop. Engaged with something 24-7, the red light indicating a new email on our blackberry just at a hand's reach, and 12 hours TAT (Turn around time for the un-initiated) for a response to any query posed to me (yes - I did spend several years in HR, signing off my emails with a promised turn around time of 12 hours), multi tasking, often failing at it and playing a Superwoman, with the death defying logic of "You know, I am wired that way" was a nirvana to many of us, most certainly me.

 

Over the years - marriage, husband, age - times have changed me. I realized that I can enjoy other aspects of life and yet be focused on my ambitions. I chose to
 

- not miss any family dinners especially as a new bride trying to manage a brand new set of stakeholders

- make time for my then boyfriend now husband's birthdays. By the way, I have not missed any birthday of my mother in law except when she was traveling recently to the US of A. 5 points for that.

- take small short breaks to travel with the  husband, friends and family instead of working 24-7. Touched 112 cities and going strong.

- Watch friends re-runs and laugh at Chandler's age old jokes or smile at Joey's catch phrase - How you doing?

- read a gripping novel by Clive Cussler - hunting for a roman treasure in Texas, on a Sunday Noon than working on the presentation. By the way recently I read an article on reading and the correlation to wealth creation. How reading books, be it a book every 2 days or 50 books a year, allows your mind to gain new knowledge's, ideas and do better in life. Maybe this hypothesis is true, but I digress.

 

Don't get me wrong ! I am still very focused and ambitious. I definitely wish to rule the world, get into politics, write a book, do great work, dazzle my clients - all of the above in no particular order, make money and do interesting things with the money that comes in. But I also love the fact, that I can choose to be 'not busy' and enjoy the life that I have been working so hard for. I can refresh my mind to be able to see the big picture. I can hope to just 'be'.

 

You can blame it on turning 40 or hormones or whatever but ask yourself this question. Have we become so busy in our meetings, play dates, dinners, chores and workshops, that we have forgotten to schedule 'Time to live'?

Life is so unpredictable

Joy had his tea, breakfast, chatted about life in general, and then collapsed over... No warning, No signal, No symptoms..just a sudden rude departure.... Mel did not have even time to cope with it... 



Joy worked hard... provided for everyone...everything... lived in the fast lane, took care of everyone and everything... then why....

Moi has no answers, just wonder that maybe I need to work less, enjoy more, do my bucket lists, live for today and as as if it was the last, who knows what happens tomorrow, and who cares, coz when it does.. maybe the cuppa tea will be your last...

 

What makes me happy?

Lists.. i have a things to do list, shopping list, grocery list, things i have to change about my wardrobe list, things i must close this month list, people i must talk to list, close friends list, bday list, connections list, linked in list, family bday list...

Well today i drafted a "what makes me happy list"

a) Listening to this song "Everybody Talks" / "Crazy in Love"- listening to these songs makes me feel like dancing, jiving, cha chaing... makes my face smile, feet move and my day the happiest

b) Eating "Dal"  "Chawal" - a plate of boiled rice with simple yellow dal or black daal with nice ghee makes me thrilled... i dont need anything

c) Tayir Sadam - Competing for the second place... is good old dahi bath. The tayir sadam in a steel dabba with some amazing nartanga urgai (lemon pickle) is ambrosia in my mind

d) Cheesy but true - looking at old pictures, i love snaps... to me they are memories of the time gone by :-) Be on facebook, on my hard drive, my old albums.. they are more precious to me than my clothes and jewels. I am happiest when i see a picture of me mom dad indu hari.. or a joke cracked with Samit in Mumbai in 2004, or with Harry on his 2005 Bday :-)

e) Blissful ......when i spend time with Samit during our holidays, be it as recent as Goa, or as far back as Coorg and Mumbai.. there is peace and total happiness... I cannot explain that emotion, probably the way Hrithik's character in ZNMD feels during the song "Khwabon ke parindey"... bliss totally

f) Immersed in the culture of a new place - Sitting in the verandah, of a super secluded Igloo type cottage in a game reserve at South Africa, looking at the vast grassland and the setting sun.. Driving down the wine yards in Stellenbosch near Cape Town..... spending 4 hours with a complete stranger showing me the sights and sounds of the Cape... Looking over the vast Baltic Sea, in the freezing September in a sea trip to Estonia... these are moments which made my life totally happy and memorable, If i were to be borne again, will love to travel all over the world..

g) I am not embarrased, the ability to desire and achieve the luxuries of life. It makes me happy that am still able to achieve it

h) Dancing - to be able to dance non stop to amazing music...

i) Reading "Pride and Prejudice", "Bridges of Madison County", "The CLass" - my 3 fav books of all time

j) Eating Chuskis, or Lollis ... 5 Rs only

Will love to hear about your lists....

Getting Naked

A book with the title "Getting Naked" was given to me to read by my ex-Boss and Mentor, Himanshu. Till date, i think it is the best book I have read on how to consult our Clients. The focus of the book is Client Trust and Loyalty. In one of my earlier blogs, I have spoken on the topic of 'trust' and how do we build that. This book takes that logic to another level and showcases that regardless of what service you provide, these principles will help you develop stronger relationships. But remember authenticity is at the core. If you cannot be authentic, and do lip service to these principles, people will see through you. Let us take a look at these principles :

a) Always Consult instead of Sell - Walk in to the Client's set up and start telling them what changes they can make. Do not worry about the fact that you may be giving away too much IP or the fact that this is scope creep...just provide additional help. The Client will start to rely on you and call on you whenever they need a sounding board or any advice. Isn't that a good place to be.  One of my partners actually lived by this principle. I remember landing once with my entire team at the Client's office, even without a signed contract in place. I know that at first i felt a little irritated, but you know what, his dedication paid off. The CEO would have never gone to anyone else, especially as we were so keen to start work.

b) Give away the Business: Related closely to the previous one.  Consult even before they have become a  paying client. 

c) Tell the kind truth: This one is tough; this is about telling your clients, the facts but in an empathetic way... offer help to sort through the situation. At one of our clients, we were struggling with one of the Client's team member; the person was not just able to contribute and instead forcing us to take heat. We raised the matter to the Supervisor suggesting that  it might be good for the Supervisor to do some in person mentoring, in addition offering the support of one of our colleauges to help aid the project in the meanwhile. The Client got the message and we saw improvements immediately.

d) Enter the danger: This is the best, it means simply countering any situation confidently, dealing with the elephant in the room. Present it as an observation instead of an accusation, maybe present it first to your client confidante, before bringing it to the larger group. This will help enable the success of your long term project relationship.

e) Ask dumb questions and make dumb suggestions and make mistakes : I am all for data based consulting, but sometimes, you need to put every thought out there, without worrying about how you will be percieved. Don't worry about making an error, you will be better for it.

f) Take a bullet for the Client: Sometimes, you have to take one for the team, be it Client or our internal teams. We were once presenting a key deliverable on the Competency Framework to the Client Stakeholder team. One of our key SMEs, cross questioned us in front of the audience, but we could not afford to call it out, as our project team credibility would have been eroded. We decided to take one for the team, and handle the problem separately; and we sure did :-)

g) Make everything about the Client: The relationship is not about you impressing the client with your skills. It is about them, you have to hone their skills and make them successful. Remember they always know more about their business, than you will.

h) You have to honor what the Client does: if you cannot, then pass on the work. It is not worth doing something for a client you cannot respect regardless of the money.

i) Do the dirty work: Do not hesitate doing every small thing, everything counts as a successful implementation. If it means photocopying, co-ordinating....just get it done.

I have tried using some of these principles in the past, needless to say they are very powerful, more than we can imagine, I recommend that you read the book !

Making friends over the age of 30

I came across this interesting article day, in NY times. Those of you, who are on connected with me on facebook will recall the link i shared on my timeline sometime back.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

The article examines why we find it so tough to make friends over the age of 30. His moot point is that the ability to make Best Friends or Close friends like you did when you were in school or in your teens is over post 30 years.

Seems scary right; given that I moved between schools every 2 years, moved to a brand new city for my college, and my MBA years are best forgotten @ XL, given my obsession with getting good grades and having extra currciular to boast on my 'resume'. My only chance of making close pals was once I exited my teenage years.

Well maybe that is just me, because my hubby's closest circle is his college circle. They have been buddies forever, and that circle has grown over the years. Friends have got married, had children and the group has grown. An aunt counts her social circle pre-dominantly of her business school, college and school classmates, and their spouses.

I think we find it harder to make closer relationships, as we approach midlife, given changing priorities, or critical events in our life, say you got married. I have some very close friends from work, however our interactions did reduce when I got married. We still can pick up from where we left, but our meetings are reduced, as they don't move in the same circle of friends that me and my husband share in common. It definitely helped my Aunt that her husband went to the same school as she did, so they could have a common pool of friends.

Friends also end up serving myriad roles. One of my closest pals is SD. We may not talk as often, but I do not hesitate to talk to him about career related advice. I consulted him, when I made my last move to a health care company. Similarly, if we need to crib about personal lives, or the lack of it, I dial a close pal in Singapore, and we can talk for hours like last week. You know who you are. If i want to travel to Tanzania or just anywhere ..or just have fun, I dial my friend from Bangalore or Gurgaon...and we get together..

Friendships in the professional world also are marred by a sense of competition and self preservation, intentional or not; people get re-assigned or travel, and the nurturing period for a friendship is never available.

In the article, the author examines, that people have an internal alarm clock that goes off at big life events, like turning 30. It reminds them that time horizons are shrinking, so it is a point to pull back on exploration and concentrate on the here and now. So suddenly you want to spend time with kids, or focus on your spouse, or being financially stable. I completely agree, however it is a cycle. What you want to focus on changes... A close friend of ours, married and father of two; recently confessed that he feels "life is slipping him by and he does not have any time to focus on things that he wants to do". So he ends up traveling, long drives, do date nights with his wife, meet us for coffee or lunch..etc.

Regardless, I am on the wrong side of 30, and try very hard to make new friends;... a colleauge and I planned to go shopping, as soon as our schedules + Delhi weather could get coordinated, its been 3 weeks. I am not giving up :-)

Connectedness

I was reading an article the other day on "What do top leaders do..." and underneath the article, a raging debate was underway, focusing on the pros and cons of staying connected 24X7, and constantly focusing on your emails. I smiled to myself, as i count myself part of this infamous group.

Why do i percieve it that way, consider this :

• I have my official email configured on my blackberry, previously my Nokia, my IPAD, and can access office email through my personal laptop, kindle and my official laptop of course
• I have connectivity at home with a high-speed broadband, a work provided tata photon when i am on the move, wireless internet at work, an international wireless card, for working at airports, a personal Tata Photon connection etc.
• I check my emails in the morning, when I wake up; I check it precisely every 3 minutes 
• My inbox has always '0' emails
• I worry about internet running out, hence always take unlimited GPRS plans :-)
• I work through most plane journeys
• I catch up on email while driving to work or a client location
• I have BBM, Google Talk, Yahoo Chat, Office Communicator all enabled on my mobile

..... i can go on


Some of this will seem bordering on obsessive compulsive disorder but I will argue the Yin and the Yang to this connected ness.

• To me the customer is paramount, and hence responding to an email or call within 12-24 hours is a non-negotiable, except when I am away, and I have an assigned delegate for the time frame.
• Social media allows me to meet old friends, so it is a blessing
• BBM is cost effective, and allows me to connect with people all over the world  including my local husband :-)
• Listen to some great music from all over the world thanks to the amazing radio stations

In the last so many years, this is one trait, which has worked for me and my clients surprisingly well.

But let us look at the flip side....

• Having so many avenues for staying connected and over use, kills your ability to focus, innovate, and confuses your senses
• It even numbs your ability to exercise your core brain functions, why think when you can google..
• Your body is more tired, if you work all through plane journeys
• Typing or even touch typing stresses your limbs, this is coming from some one who wore a splint on her left hand owing to over use of her blackberry
• Social skills if not used a lot, tend to get rusty....

Now there is enough research to argue the merits of staying connected as a fast track to the top, there is enough push out there that top leaders take time for self, to reflect on their next big win.

It is not my business to tell you what to do; am sure you are wise and all there... Keen to hear what works for you....:-)

Say, Stay and Strive... the Key is Trust

In any relationship we have all heard Trust is the key... More so in a supervisor subordinate relationship especially at the workplace. Seems common sense right. Absolutely, take this scenario.

You are a Business Head, who has just recieved the results of the Annual Engagement Survey or Satisfaction Survey or People dip stick (whatever name you choose to give). The results indicate that you seem to be doing well in Corporate Branding, People's perception of their Leadership etc, however there is improvement required in Coaching, Mentoring, Employees's understanding of the firm's direction, managing change etc. You spend hours with your business partner and the leadership team to get additional information, insights, and devise action plans. Well, you have crafted three actions for the next Quarter: Comprehensive Communication Framework, a formal Coaching Program for all People Managers, and Leaders conducting "Floor Walks". How does an employee feel the impact of the same at his or her workstation, in his or her life? Where does the onus of all the action lie - with the Individual and his Immediate Supervisor/People Manager/ Manager.
I can teach a Manager how to coach; but making the best of the coaching situation, ensuring that there is the right amount of sharing and guidance give and take between the two parties, needs a strong catalyst which is "Trust".

How does one build Trust? By not taking advantage of the confidence placed in you, maintaining sanctity of the relationship, maintaning confidentiality of the issues discussed and most importantly, not letting your 'self' / or your 'ego' come in the way of the relationship.

Well this is easier said than done. A few tips to make your team high performing and effective

• Listen with attention, don't do lip service
• Follow through, in actions not just words. If you cannot achieve optimal results, provide transparency
• Do not let title and authority give you false ego
• Be Genuine
• Know your people
• Coach people to think through options, don't trouble shoot for them
• Laugh.. Nothing like laughing the stress away
• Be present and visible, Hiding in your cabin or closed conference room is not helping anybody
• This is not about you, it is about them. Think what might work for them
• Ask permission to share information. People confide a lot of things, hoping that they can trust you. Trust once breached, can never be repaired.

I have used this time and again to build trust with my team members, my colleauges...my friends... It really works. Hope you liked it.