I do it out of love and my choice

If you have not already, do read this article - http://www.thenewsminute.com/article/new-breed-grandparents-who-love-their-grandkids-wont-babysit-them-forever-34921. This is about grandparents taking a stand that while they will always be there for their children and grand children, they shouldn't be automatically expected to take care of the grandchildren. They have done their responsibility by raising us well. Now it should be our turn to raise our kids. What was it interesting was the slew of commentary to that article. The venomous reaction against the author was as if the author was taking away the rights of children to rely on their parents at a certain age of life.
 
Before I go any further, the opinions shared on this blog are mine and are not sponsored or reflective of any group, cult. gender or media.

Getting back, growing up, I did not have the luxury of having my grand parents next door. My mother was a home maker, and Dad, an engineer who traveled extensively for work.  Our grand parents were far away in Chennai, whom we met regularly during school holidays or key festivals and weddings. It was left to Amma and Appa to bring all of us up between home, office, and a myriad set of commitments to their respective families. I and my sister were born at our grandmother's home in Trichy - with Amma returning to Delhi within 30 days of our birth. Our brother was born in Chandigarh. I recall both side grandmothers coming for 21 days each to Chandigarh to help my parents. Post that, Amma, Appa  managed on  their own with the help of each other, family, friends and community.
 
Times have changed people say ! Your mother was a home maker - she did not have to leave the house. Today women  have to work outside their homes as well. I am in all agreement. But listen to this, our Amma 40 years back had to go buy provisions, pay utility bills, supervise a maid, clean the home, take responsibility for extended relations who stayed with us, cook meals and teach her children all with a small baby or 2 or 3 hanging around. I can certainly imagine, how difficult it is today to accomplish all of this what with flexi work hours, understanding spouses willing to share the work load, crèches, day care, maids, provisions on call, apps and understanding parents/in laws. Incase you did not catch the sarcasm, the world has changed but the eco-system also has evolved significantly.

I know it not easy. The 24 by 7 work day has it's own failings and challenges. But the point is that, parents or parents in law helping their children out of love and out of choice is a great thing. The love and security of grand parents and an extended family is a blessing indeed. But what I don't agree with, is children "demanding that support as a birthright or not respecting that help".
 
Of late, I have seen people treating this lifeline for reasons I cannot fathom.

1. Parents move cities to stay with their children for 6 months, 6 years and maybe eternity to look after the grandkids. Instead of being grateful, the children turn the mothers into cooks, the fathers to help with taking care of the baby, pram pusher, baby walker etc. Weekends are meant for the husband and wife given they have had such a busy week, and consequently, the grand kids are left with the grand parents. There is no concern for the elders and what they may want to do over the weekend.
2. Parents are slaving away every second because their ticket was paid for by the children - god forbid they take it easy.
3. Statements like - If they (the parents) don't help me, what are they there for? or they love me, this is the least they can do?
4. The worst was asking the parents to separate to live in different homes, cities often continents  to take care of the grandkids. I know of an Uncle who feels alone, he would like to travel and enjoy his wife's company in his twilight years but that company has been taken away from him.  His wife is far away. In the joy of looking after the children's children, the spousal relationship was forgotten. The kids in this case were totally indifferent to the emotional needs of their parents.

Note, I may have re-counted only the worst scenarios, and there may be several good stories out there. My husband has spent many a blissful years with his nana, nani. My niece has spent several months with her both side grandparents. All I ask is that do not take that support for granted. Their role was to bring you up, take care of you and help you stand on your 2 feet.

This is the time for them to enjoy their 'vana-prastha'. Let them be.

Crazy busy !

The latest article from NY Times seems closer to me than anything else, given my current state of mind. For me the people who don't know me, I am on a sabbatical by choice. I am trying to refresh, de-stress or as my mother in law says "She is trying to find herself". My conversation in the past (read before the sabbatical) often went like this

 

"Hey, how is it going?"

 "Oh, it has been crazy busy"

"It is better than the alternative right !'.

 

These days the conversations go like this :

(Friend) "So Geetha, how are you keeping yourself busy and engaged?".

(Me) "Well there is so much happening at home...."

(Friend) Cutting in the middle of my sentence "Oh, Wish I could do it, relax, read, travel! You are so lucky, so lucky, dear, while you have been drinking mai-tais - we have been busy solving hunger & world peace". This exclamation is often accompanied with an indulgent smile. Who do you think I am - a baby trying to take her first step? Just so you know FRIEND, I am not spa'ing away (although that is not a bad idea and I should think about it). I have been at home overseeing the refurbishment of my home, and banging my head with contractors and labor all day in the pristine Delhi heat.

 

Guess what, we are all to blame for this phenomenon, me included. I am a part of the generation that has venerated 'being super busy' to a level of idol workshop. Engaged with something 24-7, the red light indicating a new email on our blackberry just at a hand's reach, and 12 hours TAT (Turn around time for the un-initiated) for a response to any query posed to me (yes - I did spend several years in HR, signing off my emails with a promised turn around time of 12 hours), multi tasking, often failing at it and playing a Superwoman, with the death defying logic of "You know, I am wired that way" was a nirvana to many of us, most certainly me.

 

Over the years - marriage, husband, age - times have changed me. I realized that I can enjoy other aspects of life and yet be focused on my ambitions. I chose to
 

- not miss any family dinners especially as a new bride trying to manage a brand new set of stakeholders

- make time for my then boyfriend now husband's birthdays. By the way, I have not missed any birthday of my mother in law except when she was traveling recently to the US of A. 5 points for that.

- take small short breaks to travel with the  husband, friends and family instead of working 24-7. Touched 112 cities and going strong.

- Watch friends re-runs and laugh at Chandler's age old jokes or smile at Joey's catch phrase - How you doing?

- read a gripping novel by Clive Cussler - hunting for a roman treasure in Texas, on a Sunday Noon than working on the presentation. By the way recently I read an article on reading and the correlation to wealth creation. How reading books, be it a book every 2 days or 50 books a year, allows your mind to gain new knowledge's, ideas and do better in life. Maybe this hypothesis is true, but I digress.

 

Don't get me wrong ! I am still very focused and ambitious. I definitely wish to rule the world, get into politics, write a book, do great work, dazzle my clients - all of the above in no particular order, make money and do interesting things with the money that comes in. But I also love the fact, that I can choose to be 'not busy' and enjoy the life that I have been working so hard for. I can refresh my mind to be able to see the big picture. I can hope to just 'be'.

 

You can blame it on turning 40 or hormones or whatever but ask yourself this question. Have we become so busy in our meetings, play dates, dinners, chores and workshops, that we have forgotten to schedule 'Time to live'?